It feels important to recognize that I am sometimes miserable. Sometimes, people go into a tailspin of misery because they expect to not be miserable, and so there is then a second insult to the first problem. But there is a way out for me when I realize that being miserable during the week is part of it.

I get in to a string of feeling like I have no control. I get to clinic just in time in the morning and all of those tasks line up. And then maybe I have to drive to the hospital and work with a specialist. They may be kind enough, but it’s a somewhat superficial experience. On my end, I truly don’t want to be there, but feel compelled to pretend otherwise. There’s just this general untruth to it. I choose to avoid the complications that would come from frank honesty. And so I try to fit in. I think I am doing a fine job of it, but it takes a toll.

Someday, the goal is obviously to practice with integrity. This means I get to be myself in clinic. Myself is completely blocked out by the processes of the day, which take charge. I have to identify what the complaint is, which of the medical problems are relevant, to check on things like their health maintenance, their immunizations and screenings, and come up with a plan for the day. And then repeat again and again. It is too much. “I” back out. I recede into just getting the tasks done. I call the Spanish interpreter. I ask the questions, I order the meds, I check the boxes.

I had a session with my therapist today. I need to take better care of myself. I can. I get into becoming a victim instead of helping myself get out. I can be more in control of my energy rather than being so reactionary to the system. You know how these things work. Move your self. Get the work done. Take better care.