I have been feeling miserable at work lately. I had a full day of clinic yesterday that included 10 (urgent care style) visits in the am and 7 full visits in the afternoon. My mood was foul. I woke up and dragged my sorry ass to work. I thought of calling in for a “mental health day”, whatever that is. I just didn’t want to go to work. I dreaded seeing patients. And here they came, one after another. I don’t like my job. I feel like the most suffering person in the clinic. Is that so? Does the MA feel less of this evil spirit? Does the nurse?

Part of it is dissatisfied patients. I had this young woman who has been having abnormal uterine bleeding. She wanted to have answers today, and when I set the expectation that that might not be possible, that was the end. She became mad at me and just wanted to leave before we even had the chance to connect, for me to hear her story. She needs to have an ultrasound, but she is not willing to work with this system, to set up the separate appointment, and then show up for it. I wish I had been able to help her, but I also understand that sometimes the problem isn’t accessible to me in my role.

What else? I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. But my mood was in the gutter. I had my afternoon and I came home and sat around. I was depressed. I’m trying to get some tasks done today. I have 5 days worth of notes to catch up on. Lord. I’m supposed to go to this wedding today and I’m not looking forward to it. Okay.

I want to have a lifestyle clinic. I want to open up my shop in an arts building or a bookstore. I want to have a “pop-up” medical clinic. I want to talk about my medical views which are not unscientific, but which point to the value of lifestyle in risk reduction instead of pharmaceutical management. But I also want to explore my unscientific views about energy healing or whatever the fuck. I’m not even sure what it is. I want to meditate and I want to make art. I want to be more free.

I want to cook and have a good life. I want to be undepressed. I want to unfuck my life. Get out of the medical industrial system!